So, I know I have discussed parenting and what it means to be a mom for your child....but, now I am going to address the other side of the single parenting phenomenon. The rationale of being a single parent and attempting to date.
Now, my parenting situation is quite different from anyone I know. For one, I am the only parent in my immediate and close group of friends. I know other parents, but I don't really hang out with them or ever have. Remember, I was always the girl who never wanted to hold babies...until I had my own, and then that changed. Secondly, my daughter's conception, let's just say, was not consensual, so that aspect of it is different because as her father isn't around at all-period. With that being said, I WOULDN'T want him to be due to those circumstances. I wouldn't trust him to be in the same room as her EVER, so that isn't an issue I have to concern myself with. No baby daddy drama, phew! I am also a student, taking 15 hours and living on loans, so that is another quality of my situation that is different than most working, single moms out there. Now that all of that is out there, I can get to the damn point.
As a single mom, I have had one boyfriend since the birth of my daughter. It ended about a year ago and lasted about 10 months. He was the best guy that any girl could ever ask for, and I certainly don't regret the time we spent together. Fortunately, we are still friends and my daughter is still head over heels for him. I love that because he is truly a great guy; it would be a misfortune to lose his place in my life. We ended things because my school schedule was so hectic and causing me so much stress at the time, that I knew that things would get ugly if we didn't stop where we were, while we were "ahead."
A year later, I have tried to date and it never works out. It is so hard not to bring my daughter around the people that I want to or have dated, because she is everywhere in my life. It is hard to draw the line as to who she should and shouldn't meet, and it is harder knowing that I can't really date anyone without her being a part of that. I would like to find someone, but it will have to wait until I am finished with school so that I can get my shit together=find us a nice place, build our life together with just the two of us, get her in school, get myself a job, etc....I am in no place to have a significant other, and as bitter as I try to sound about relationships, I have to say that I do get lonely. I do wish that there were times when I had someone who understood what I am going through or just to talk to about it. My friends are wonderful, but sometimes, I think that even the ones that have had vast experience with kids still don't know what it is like because they aren't parent. This is comparable to the fact that I don't really know what it is to be in a relationship because it has been so long since I have been in one, and even longer since I had been in one before that....
Hopefully, there will be someone out there someday who understands my situation as it is and can respect my independence without impeding on it. I don't need marriage and a white picket fence....maybe just someone to drink coffee with and who I can talk to about all of the nerdy books that I love to read. Maybe someone to challenge me instead of a "yes" man. Who knows....he may be out there somewhere. Until I meet him, I am just going to keep my head in my books and keep my focus. After all, I don't need a man and I don't need a man thinking that I do. All I need is my daughter and for her to know that when she needs me, that I am the one that is here for her because I want to be and because that is my job and because I will never leave her side.
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